Fun Relationship Strategies

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hi I'm Tracy and I'm Lena and we love

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Healing Children in fact we're the

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co-owners and founders of Healing

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Children LLC and this is our podcast The

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Bumpy Road to Healing where we get real

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about what children need emotionally and

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how best to support them we skip the

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fluff and get right to the heart of it

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so one of the most important parts of

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our house is the relationship it's a

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hugely important piece with working kids

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right them knowing that we like them we

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enjoy being with them u is a huge part

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to connecting yes and that that

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connection and that's why it is the

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foundation of the house but it's tough

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right when we have kids who are running

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from us when we have students who are um

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refusing to do what we ask maybe they're

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throwing a temper tantrum when we're

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having them do their math problem um or

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maybe they're even making fun of us you

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know if you're in high school the kids

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might be like rolling their eyes or or

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saying something rude it's like throwing

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stuff at you and whining and screaming

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and yelling and all that yeah it's great

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fun so how do we It's like how do we how

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do we make those connections with kids

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because it is a vital part and sometimes

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they'll do things for us that they

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wouldn't necessarily do for themselves

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if they're connected right yes if

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they're connected so we want we want

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that connection so how do we get that i

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mean what are there's some things that

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you and I have talked about and one of

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them is really in some ways getting to

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their level and being on their level

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without being on their level right

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without like sinking down into doing

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what they're doing but it's still having

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fun with them on their level yeah so

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it's finding a way to connect with them

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uhhuh still maintaining that you're the

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authority figure but you're finding a

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way to connect with them in a way that's

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fun for you and fun for them right right

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yes so there's there was one story you

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talked about of a student that you did

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this with that you've known for years

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like you've known him for a super long

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time and you worked with him when he was

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really little yes he was really little

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um

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and wasn't speaking much when I first

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met him and he was a runner so he would

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run and leave group your eyes weren't on

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him he was misbehaving throwing things

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doing all kinds of stuff so there were a

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few things I had to do with him during

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that time when he was really little and

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one is you know when I set up the room

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there was somebody sitting right next to

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the door so he couldn't escape well

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would he try to escape oh he would try

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to escape so what would they do just

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like Well they they the door was closed

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and they were sitting next to so he

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couldn't escape so he kind of would like

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think about it and then just Yeah he

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couldn't do it and I also knew if my

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eyes were off of him then he was up and

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running so I would sit him dead center

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of this little group okay and so there

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was somebody with the door so good

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escape he was dead center so even if I

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was looking at this kid over here I had

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one eye on him uhhuh and this kid over

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here and so he also knew if he got up I

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was

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like sit down and he listened to Yes and

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he learned to listen to me right so then

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years later I'm working with him in

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another situation and every time he sees

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me this is what he does

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and so every time I see him I do that

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back

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and then he starts laughing and he'll

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say "You were my teacher and you did

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this to me." And I was like "Yep and now

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look how great you're doing." He's doing

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so good see this is like a really good

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discipline technique it works yes um and

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then even the other day he was doing it

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to me and he likes to tell people that

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you know that I used to teach him and

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he's like and he says to me you did this

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to me you were mean to me and he said I

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was not mean you were naughty

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called him out yes and then he said I'm

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not naughty anymore i'm like no you're

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not like he has grown so much it's so

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fun to see but that's kind of our little

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thing your way still his way of trying

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to connect to you and then you can

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connect connect right back so it's on

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his level but I'm still the authority

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figure like I'm not giving away my

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authority as an adult but we're

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connecting you're connect and it's so

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And he thinks it's fun he thinks it's

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hilarious yeah to tell everybody he

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thinks it's fun well and I think it's

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it's figuring out what is it about that

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because that's a part of connection

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that's so hard to like explain and

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really break down but yet teachers who

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know how to do that have the best

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relationships with their students and

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sometimes you don't even need as much

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discipline because you have you have

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that ability to connect on that level

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and and part of it is maybe the kids

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know that you will discipline so it's

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not like oh this is the teacher where I

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can do whatever I want they're not going

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to hold me accountable it's not like

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that it's like I know they're going to

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follow through but yet they're hilarious

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and they know how to kind of meet me

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with where I'm at kind of make fun of us

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you know like you're kind of making fun

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of the situation a little bit right like

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I don't I wasn't worried about whether

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he liked me or not when he was little i

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still held him accountable because I

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believed in him yeah yeah so I'm sure he

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felt that and I still believed in him

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but I think he knows I just genuinely

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really like him and you also knew

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there's a couple things you knew you

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knew how to put preventative strategies

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in so you knew like okay he's a runner

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he wants to leave i got to put someone

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by the door yeah and you can't always do

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that in the classroom because of fire

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code this was a different situation

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right so for this situation you could do

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that you also knew I got to keep my eye

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on him all the time so I got to see him

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right in front dead center dead center

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so I can still attend to the other kids

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uhhuh but he's dead center dead center

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so there was a few things that you knew

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to do to keep that behavior under

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control yeah and we did social stories

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and I did other things where I worked

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with him on that so I think that's a

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piece to this puzzle too but then I also

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think the fun of the finger point right

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and you have fun with it and he has fun

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with it yes and it's a way to connect

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every single time he sees that's

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hilarious well you had another story of

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a student who was in group with you and

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you had him go out and strong which is

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one of our techniques we're not going to

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go into today and what was he saying

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about you again like what so this is a

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kid who actually he had had a tough life

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been in refugee camp yeah started in New

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York City um so he kind of had some gang

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mentality and then came to Idaho okay

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you know and I had who were kind of hips

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right so that was something I also Some

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people might be offended by that but I'm

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one of them so it's okay it's all good

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it's all good i can cut that out um we

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don't have Well we might have some gangs

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but not many not many we do have some

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but he would that whole gang mentality

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so there was one time he was doing it so

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a couple times I teased about a couple

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things but one time I just looked at him

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and I just pulled my hick out and said

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"Dude we're gonna have

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a we are pits out here."

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Um but another time what did he do to

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that he just started laughing and kind

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of dropped the attitude a little bit so

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he had a good sense of humor too and

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another time he had to go stand strong

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because he I can't remember he'd broken

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one of the rules in group and that's

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just one of the things we do for group

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and I could hear him in the hallway with

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the person who was working him through

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the stand strong and he was just like

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that lucy Weaver she thinks she's so

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tough she just thinks she's so tough and

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so I went out in the hallway and I said

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"Do you want to see my guns?" And I just

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showed him my

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guns and he just started busting up

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finished his strong stand and came back

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in did the group procedures and

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unfortunately had to he moved away like

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a month later or something but he gave

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me a big hug oh yeah it was too bad he

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had to move i know so I was like "Oh

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this is so fun." I know i just remember

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hearing mother like "She thinks she's

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done." You're like "All right everyone

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have fun with him have fun with this."

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Because he's already getting the

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discipline right so he's in that

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position where he has the consequence

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he's getting the discipline i don't need

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to be like slamming anything more well

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yeah and you don't need to be taking

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this comment about you being so tough so

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seriously or taking it personally yeah

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so I think there's a couple rules when

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we're talking about this to keep in mind

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um because I think this is also somewhat

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of a skill that can be learned by a lot

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of educ educators like some of you out

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there so great at this naturally um but

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I also think it can be learned and so I

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think there's a couple things we need to

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be thinking about number one is liking

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the kid yes right that's always like

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when we like kids and they know that we

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like them we can you can have fun yeah

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right and they know that it's in fun

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it's not to be mean and it's not to

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control right that's enough that's

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that's the second step it's not about

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controlling them it's about accepting

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them and accepting this is where he's at

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right he's in group dealing with

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behavior he doesn't like it that's okay

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he doesn't have to like it but he needs

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it for his growth and so we're going to

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just have fun with it when he was kind

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of complaining about it basically okay

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um and kind of whether he changes or not

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makes no difference

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i I I'm doing my job the consequences

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are in place right the boundaries are in

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place we've got the structure i'm doing

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my job his job is to decide whether he's

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going to make those changes and you'll

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like him either way it's like I'm here

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either way i like you either way whether

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you change is up to you it's your

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decision is it affects you the most okay

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that's good and then I think another

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really important part is accepting

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ourselves right is accepting that we are

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the authority which you know not

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everybody loves being the authority some

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people love it but other people don't

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love it for a variety of reasons which

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we do i mean we go into that in depth in

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one of our promises right but yes like

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accepting because once you accept

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yourself and who you are and you have a

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good self-concept you don't feel a need

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to be accepted by the kids exactly so

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it's like it's not about me being your

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best friend this is more about me um

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having fun with you and enjoying being

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with you as the authority figure that I

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am with you absolutely and then it's

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also there's also a couple other things

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that I think are really important with

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relationship building and it's more like

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scientific right yes so it's things that

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release oxytocin it's things that we

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want to be doing with our students every

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day if we can like if you're a teacher

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you want to be trying to do this with

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students every day um depending on you

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know if you're secondary elementary

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might look a little bit different but

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the first one is positive eye contact

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and notice I said positive so it's not

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like this and it might not be when she's

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the he did get a laugh afterwards yeah

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so it really is I like you i enjoy you

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so it's looking with and so even when I

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do this to him but my eyes are not true

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you're not mad they can read that anger

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see the anger and then the physical

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touch which we work in the schools so

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that's varying like physical touch with

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kinder versus physical touch with you

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know seniors in high school although I

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yeah this

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this all appropriate physical touches

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that you could do at any level and

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what's interesting oh yeah oh yeah this

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would be great for guys that gets

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physical touch in yeah and what's

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interesting with like my kinders like I

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have them do like shaking hands when

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they step out in group and like people

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will walk by like stop and they're like

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oh cuz it's new little kid like shaking

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my hand and being so grown up right

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being mature and having fun with being

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mature um those three things are a game

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changer you forgot to smile smile that

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was only two that you should we're going

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to get the third which is smiling yeah

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but it's not the Well it's not the It's

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a real one

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so you might want to just do that in the

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morning when they come in before they've

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had a chance to behave yes get all three

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of those things in in the morning right

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before they before they've done anything

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they're not supposed to do yeah you're

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more likely to It's not It's not

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foolproof right but it's more likely to

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increase the likelihood of them bonding

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with you it's you're bonding with them

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as well and then because you're both

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bonding with each other there's that

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acceptance there and they're more likely

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to follow the rules that you set yeah

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absolutely and then I think the last one

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is just thinking they're funny oh yes

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there's a couple of staff members um

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that I work with that just they think

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the kids are hilarious and the kids love

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them yes and kids are funny oh yeah they

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are so much fun even when they're being

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kind of naughty it's entertaining yes i

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mean it might create some work for us

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but they're still really fun and finding

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that fun with them yeah so hopefully

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you've learned some things right some

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things that you can do with your

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students to get that connection and get

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that relationship that foundation of the

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house yeah so if you like what you're

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hearing and you want to learn more you

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can go to our website at

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www.healingchildrenlc.org on our website

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you can read more about who we

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are you can look at our online

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trainings you can also look at our blogs

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area yes so let the healing begin

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thank you for joining our podcast The

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Bumpy Road to Healing the Bumpy Road to

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Healing is sponsored by Healing Children

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LLC we are both educators and mental

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health professionals which gives us a

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unique perspective on working with

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children both in and out of the school

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setting who have severe emotional and

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behavioral concerns our mission is for

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all children to be emotionally healthy

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happy mature and responsible as adults

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establish healthy relationships and

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appropriate boundaries we believe that

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children are more likely to grow and

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prosper when adults understand the

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impact of trauma entitlement disruptive

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attachment and child development

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including conscious development they can

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better create healing environments for

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children to learn more about us and what

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we have to offer go to

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www.healingchildrenlc.org